The other day I woke up not feeling quite myself-and by that I mean, I felt like a Gorilla had played wack-a-mole with a two-by-four on my body, mainly concentrating on my head. As I opened my eyes, I realized that despite being sick as a dog, I still needed to go to work so that I can afford my Trader Joe’s addiction and if you know me personally, you will know exactly how serious that addiction is. Groaning, I looked hatefully at the sunlight pouring through my windows, while silently cussing out God for making the sun so friggen bright.
The day went by slower than a slug race and every minute that passed by seemed like an endless eternity of my body finding different ways to express its disdain for me. The end of my day couldn’t come fast enough and by the time that I left work waddling to my car like a pill popping zombie, a thunderstorm had come. So I had the delightful time of strolling through the pouring rain like some dramatic movie about someone’s bad day.
After an endless amount of bumper to bumper traffic and a mastiff that wanted to take his ever loving time to use the bathroom, I finally crawled into bed and came to the conclusion that I was dying. I wasn’t sure what I was dying from, but between my lack of hunger, my body feeling like I was jumping between a frozen tundra and hell- due to running a fever, and my aching body, I was convinced that I should be dead within the hour.
After napping and having terrifying nightmares of Donald Trump chasing me, I finally wake up to a missed call from my best friend, of which I hesitantly returned the call of. (Apparently I am not very social when dying.) Picking up the phone she greeted me with the usual tone of sunshine and flowers exploding from her vocal chords, neither of which were appealing to my miserable ogre mind. Gruffly I expressed to her that I felt like death and after listening to my symptoms and lamentations, she cheerfully told me that I might have lyme disease or the flu. Neither of those sounded appealing to me but both required rest. So I took the remaining part of the day and watched the Home and Garden channel.
This is where life takes a crazy twist and one of the 500 reasons why I shouldn’t watch the Home and Garden channel. After watching around 3 episodes of flea market flip, I came to the realization that I too wanted to flip things and try to sell them. Though I don’t have much vision when it comes to refurbishing anything and my carpentry skills consist of watching others do it, I have decided that life is all about experiences and this is an experience that I want to have. So now my home will likely look like a DYI projected vomited all over it. As Effie Trinket said in The Hunger Games, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”